It’s getting real.
Adoption is such a lengthy process, with more paperwork than a
mortgage. In the swirl of life, it is
easy to submit to the process without dwelling on the reality that a new little
one will be in your family soon, and forever.
Physical pregnancy doesn’t allow you the same luxury. By the time you are ready to deliver, you are
so large and so uncomfortable that you can’t ignore it – and neither can anyone
else. Bags are packed, nurseries
painted, people congratulate you wherever you go.
Paper pregnancy –adoption - doesn’t have any of these
outward markers. I have had fun lately
telling people, “I’m due in the Spring…..(I pause to let them ponder if I
should be having a baby at my age, and where am I hiding it, or perhaps I am
mentally ill)….with a 5 year old.” I
allow a moment to process, and then I show them a picture of Dominic.
Most people are congratulatory. I’m sure I have friends, even family, and
surely acquaintances, who think I’m insane, but they know me well enough to keep
it to themselves. Thank you for
that.
One huge difference between biological birth and adoption is
that when a baby is born to his family biologically, the perspective is that
the family “gets a new baby.” It is a
one- way street. The infant is not
really getting something new, because from the first cell-division in the womb,
that child was right where he belonged.
(The irony is that this is how all babies are born. Right where they belong. Ben and Evan were
born this way. Dominic was born this way.
Then, because the world is often a cruel, cruel place, this birth-right- their first family- is taken away from them.)
In adoption, it is a
two-way street. As a parent, I am
getting a new son, and Ben and Evan are getting a new brother. This comes with joy, excitement, anticipation
and nerves! But we are not the only ones
with huge changes coming. Dominic is
getting a new family, a new language, and a new home! He will be leaving the only ‘family’ he has
ever known, and people who love him. Dominic
is coming from a place where he has been well cared for, and he is old enough
to have developed strong emotional ties.
This really makes me worried about his little heart. I know he will grieve, and it will be hard.
Even though he wants a Mama, I know he cannot fathom how far this will take him
from the people he has been with all of his life. It makes me feel guilty in a way, but I know
that in the big picture, Dominic belongs in a family. He now belongs in our family.
Dominic’s future will be brighter here than it could ever be
in China
as a blind orphan. Here, he will have
the same chance as other children to receive a useful education. He will be able to follow his dreams. Here, he will have a Mama who will love him
forever, and brothers to look up to and lean on when times are tough. In China ,
as long as he is at Bethel ,
he would be loved and well cared for. I
know this. But in China , things are never certain,
especially for orphans.
It is not unheard of for children to be arbitrarily called
back from their home provinces, back to the local orphanages, and have to leave
wonderful places like Bethel . Recently, I saw a posting about a 7 year old
blind boy who had been sent to Bethel
from his city orphanage. At 7, he could
not sit up unassisted. Think about
that. This was not because of a physical
disability. This was pure neglect. In a
few short months at Bethel ,
he was not only sitting, but he was walking with braces and assistance.
And then, his province
called him back. Why? You don’t ask Why
in China .
It reminds me of a
tragic version of Plato’s Allegory of the Shadows. Only this is real. Very real.
This boy haunts me. Is he laying
neglected now, after being touched, loved, and cared for? Will his newly found muscles atrophy? How will he process this loss, and what will
it do to his hope for survival??
Some days, I almost cannot bear to know what I know.
Although I know Dominic will grieve, I know that this family
we are giving him – imperfect though we are – is where he belongs. I can’t wait to hold my little guy. I can’t wait to give him this beautiful life
with his brothers. I know this will be a
huge adjustment, but not just for us. In childbirth, the mother carries the
pain. If she chooses, there are
anesthetics. In adoption, your child
shares in the pain and anguish of delivery. “Delivery” begins the minute you
meet your child. It can last for days,
weeks, months or years. Ben’s transition
was short and easy. Evan had a lot of
pain, and still struggles. I pray that
Dominic will have an easy ‘delivery’. In
adoption, there are no epidurals to block the pain. In
adoption, the only medicine is love and time.
Walking, is the child I wrote about above. He is advocated for as Mark. This was taken at Bethel, before he was sent back. They have not received an update about him since then. When you see their faces, they become real. Mark needs a Mama. Many, many children need the love of a family. If you have questions about adoption, please feel free to send me a message. Do you have room for one more?